


Why Can't I

by arlenejp



Category: Maurice (1987), Maurice - E. M. Forster
Genre: M/M, maurice - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-01
Updated: 2018-03-01
Packaged: 2019-03-13 14:14:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,575
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13572276
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arlenejp/pseuds/arlenejp
Summary: I like men! Why can't I? I fall in love with Clive.





	Why Can't I

I'm homosexual in England in the year 1920, going to a hypnotist to see if I can change my ways. Maybe he can cure me of this illness. I'm being torn apart by it. Trying to fit in.

* * *

While in the doctor's office, he lets on that there are places in the world where homosexuality is accepted and I might want to emigrate there.  
Can't. Too much to lose. There's my family, my job and Clive Durham.

* * *

Clive, dark, handsome, rich Clive. The man I've known since he was at Cambridge University with me in my classes.

* * *

Now years later I find myself wanting to run away with an uneducated man by the name of Alec Scutter who works for Clive Durham.

* * *

How did this mess get started, as I'm lying in my bed in Clive's house, my hands under my head, wondering and reminiscing, going over events of the earlier years.

* * *

In my first few days at Cambridge, I meet Clive who takes me under his wing, along with his many other friends and I truly enjoy their gatherings, the drinking parties.

One day we're in his room and he confesses he finds me attractive, finds that he wants to kiss me, and that is where my life changes.

* * *

In the beginning, I ignore him, his declaration. But, the more I step around it the more I understand that I share his feelings.

* * *

And so one afternoon we're, the two of us, sitting in the gardens at the university I lean in and gently, tentatively kiss him. It is a wonderful feeling if not a bit strange.  
He reciprocates, and I tell him I love him unquestionably.

Our attempts to be alone are few but after one groping session in his bedroom, he mentions he wants no sex, no culmination of our love.

          "Lets keep it pure."

And so we do. No more kisses or hugs. Sometimes a pat on the back or a slight touching of hands.

* * *

We remain friends all through graduation and into our late twenties. Never a word is spoken of our love.

* * *

I've secured a decent job as a stockbroker and it's enough to keep me comfortable. Living well.

* * *

Married! Clive marries a woman! That breaks my heart.

          "Maurice, I had to. Had to keep up appearances. In my position as a lawyer, it would have been disastrous for us to be even a thought in someone's head."

Yes, Clive was socially on the move upwards.

* * *

          "You're always welcome at my home, even when I'm not there. Anne will gladly keep you company. She's a darling wife, isn't she?"

I have to agree she is, even if a bit on the naive side.

* * *

Visits to the Durham household are frequent and Anne and I strike up a wonderful friendship. She has no idea as to my feelings toward Clive and it frightens me how easy Clive keeps his in. Even when we are alone. There is never any emotion shown, not a touching, not a look, no nothing.

* * *

There are rare times when Clive will wrestle with me and that's when I feel so alive, so welcome. Back in his arms.

* * *

Clive's butler Simcox has, on these occasions, been a witness to this and I recognize he understands the underlying current between us.

* * *

And so enters Alec Scutter, the gardener. He's young but very, very attractive. Dark hair, always falling on his face, eyes almost black in color. So intense.

* * *

I'm so much the opposite. Blonde wavy hair, tall, slim, with blue eyes.

Entering by my window one night, a ladder Alec had left against the second-floor roof, and finds me in bed in my pajamas.

          " Don't worry, I know about you. We're the same sort."  
Stopping his groping, his reaching for me, almost on top of me, I push him off and sit up. 

          "What do you mean the same sort?"  


          "Simcox,Mr. Durhams butler suspected you were liking men and hinted at it to me. I've been watching you since. Mr. Dunham doesn't treasure you. Has more interested in society, ain't he?"

"Scudder, leave my-" words cut short by his lips, tender then insistent.

          "Take off your top, lie back, let me have you,"now fully on top of me.

          "I'll show you, my love. I've liked you from the first day I set eyes on you. Let me-"

His hands, floating lightly on my body have me squirming, at first embarrassed, then lighting up with desire.

His unbridled lust, his enjoyment of my body, give me the courage to let all inhibitions go.

* * *

Waking up in the morning, dressing, I walk downstairs and see Clive eating breakfast with Anne.  
Taking a seat and letting Simcox serve me eggs and sausages, his demeanor stiff as always, detecting a little smile when I search his face.  
He knows.

          "Maurice, there's a change in you. Are you coming down with a cold?" my friend says, seeing me almost dream-like, in a trance.

         "No, but a disquiet has settled on me."  


          "Go for a stroll in the gardens, Maurice, my friend. Maybe that will brighten your mood."

* * *

How do I go about informing Clive that, after having a non-sexual relationship with him I've found a man who is not ashamed of his sexuality? Indeed, he's shown me more in one night than I could ever imagine.

* * *

          "Mister Hall, Mr. Scutter is in the boathouse, " Simcox whispers, while I'm walking outside away from the hearing of everyone.

* * *

Over at the boathouse, I see Alec, looking out at the lake, seeming pensive. I place my hands on his shoulders and lean into his back.

         "Yes, Scutter, I mean Alec," which brings him to a smile hearing me use his given name.

         "Mr. Hall-" his neck turning to face me. Eyeing me. Wondering. 

         "Maurice. For you it's Maurice."

         "Yes sir. I've a ticket to sail to Argentina with my brother in three days. There's lots of work and the people and government are more forgiving of folks like us"

All these years of following Clive, his rules, his way and in one night it's all been driven away by this man. This young, I estimate in his twenties, man with the twinkle in his eye.  
Do I want to be the second in Clive's life anymore, no his third, his wife and career coming before me.  


         "Mr Hall, I mean Maurice, give me a kiss and tell me you want me?"

We stand in a corner away from any of the lights of the house and at close quarters to each other, at first awkward but then tightening our embrace. He leaves no hesitation on his part, coaxing me to further wanderings with his hands upon me.

         " Yes, yes Alec. I hunger for you, your passion fuels mine."

          " I fucking aim to keep you, at least until I leave."

          "I desire to devour all your time tonight and don't want you to be sneaking into my room. Would you be disturbed if I reserved a room at a hotel? Is this to your liking?"  


         "I may be a lowly garden keeper but I've been watching you for a long time. I idolize you.Tell me where and what time and I'll follow my pretty boy anyplace."

* * *

I'm not sure what I'm doing in a relatively modest hotel outside the city waiting for Alec to appear. I had given him money to take a carriage here.  
A small knock on the door and before I know it he's in the room and bounces on top of me on the bed.

         "You disappoint me, Maurice. Thought your clothes would be off and your cock at the ready."

         "Sorry, new at this."

         "If you pardon me, sir, your Mister Durham is a fool."

Choosing not to comment on that I divest myself of my clothing and Alec picks up where we left off, continuing to teach me about male sexuality.

* * *

We sleep, and in the morning Alec is dressing.

          "Stay with me, please. Don't go."

          "And what would we do here, sir, sneak around? And if you were found out, you'd lose your job and standing."

          "I don't care anymore about all of that."

          "Sir, I'm on the boat in two days." 

          "Alec, what if we went to Italy together. Their laws are good for us people. We can start a new life."  
He turns, his collar almost on, "How?"

          "I can sell my firm, and we can live very comfortably there. Give me a chance, please Alec," on my knees at his feet.

          "Okay, I tell you what. I'll not sail. Come to me each night in the boathouse and we'll be together."

          "Alec Scutter, I love you."

* * *

Alec leaves and I begin my maneuvers the very next day. Selling my half of the business to my partner.  
Within two days Clive is at the door of my business in his carriage.

          "Maurice, come in and talk to me. What is this nonsense about?"

* * *

I step into the carriage and relate all that has happened.

          "I've fallen in love with Alec and we're leaving England. I'm sorry Clive but I can't deny any longer who I am. Your mere presence is not enough anymore."

          "You're throwing everything away for that uneducated man?"

          "An uneducated man who is not afraid to be what he is, and to love me, unashamedly."

          "How could you?"  


         "I could because he dared. Dared be what you couldn't. Still can't be."


End file.
